


One More Light

by GrieverBitMyFinger



Category: Kuroshitsuji | Black Butler
Genre: Adult Ciel Phantomhive, Afterlife, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe- No Supernatural, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bittersweet Ending, Character Death, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, Grief/Mourning, Heaven, Heavy Angst, Human Sebastian Michaelis, I'm Sorry, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Kinda, Kissing, Loneliness, M/M, Memories, SebaCiel - Freeform, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-11
Updated: 2019-07-11
Packaged: 2020-06-26 01:12:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,305
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19757533
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GrieverBitMyFinger/pseuds/GrieverBitMyFinger
Summary: Within his dreams, Ciel can still see and feel his husband as if he is still laying by his side, alive and content. But the empty sheets and black clothes he wears are but a grim reminder of the bleak reality he lives within, awaiting his chance to return to his lover's side. While Sebastian longs for nothing more than to hold him in his arms again in the world that awaits him, he fears that they will meet again too soon.





	One More Light

**Author's Note:**

> For anyone who may have skipped over the tags, this fic does include suicide and mentions of non-descriptive self-harm. If any of this is triggering for you, plesse don't read this - I don't want to upset anyone. 
> 
> To anyone who has heard of "visitation dreams", that's what this was originally based off of. I may or may have not made myself cry writing this... (Partially edited at 4am)
> 
> Songs: One More Light - Linkin Park / My Love - Sia / The Light Behind Your Eyes - My Chemical Romance

Ciel awoke to a warm breeze. The softest emerald grass danced in the wind, kissing his skin and curling ticklishly beneath his neck as he laid in the open meadow. He was miles from the city, that much he knew. Oaks grew plentiful here alongside daisies and bluebells, ivy climbing trunks whilst roses decorated their bases in elegant shades of yellow, pink, and white. The sky was as blue as could be, cotton-candy reminiscent clouds painting the heavens with their light. Petals floated gracefully upon the summer winds, the sun shining bright and illuminating everything in sight with its joyful glow. He had been here before - from the small stream heard several feet away to the chirping of blue jays and doves overhead, it was all so familiar. Nearly six hours outside of the city on a road trip to visit his brother, he and Sebastian had come across this place. Unpacking their lunch along with a blanket, they had a picnic in the early afternoon, gazing in wonder at the nature around them. Scarcely was a place this peaceful found near the bustling traffic of London. They shared their first kiss that day, beneath the shade and ethereal glow of the forest behind; It was almost as if halos were cast upon them by the beams of the sun.

Drawn from his thoughts of tranquil love and days gone by, the young man felt a gentle touch upon his hand. Only then did he realize that his eyes had drifted shut. "My, my, you have only just arrived and already you are leaving me again? How cruel of you, Ciel," A dulcet voice crooned, rousing his senses and bringing a gleaming smile to his lips, a light in his eyes that had remained unseen for so very long. "Perhaps if you weren't always running away, I wouldn't leave so quickly." Sitting up with a sigh and the help of a hand tugging him forward by the wrist, the twenty-five year old craned his neck, gazing into the cinnamon eyes of his beloved; A warmth bloomed in his chest - those eyes had been his home for many years, his saving grace, his resting place, his fire in the coldest of days. "I must though, you cannot be late for your visit with Elizabeth lest she begin to worry." Ebony-lacquered nails scraped delicately across the smaller male's back, Sebastian's expression taking on traces of sympathy alongside his joy. It seemed he was seeing his little lover more and more these days, a fact that scared him as much as it excited him.

"And just why would she worry?" Ciel questioned though he knew the answer, standing alongside his partner who had only just been kneeling beside him. "You know exactly why, Ciel," He sighed, had it been capable of doing so, he was positive that his heart would have been heard shattering from the cavity in which it resided. Looking down with guilt heavy in eyes and a lump building in his throat, Ciel trailed his palm over Sebastian's soft cheeks, cupping his jaw with a wobbling lip. It was as if the flawless skin was silk beneath his fingers, warm and full of _life_. While as fair as snow, he possessed the heat of a star, molten eyes brimming with care and apology. Raven bangs fell from their perch on the bridge of his elegantly straight nose, falling like teardrops over the top of his wandering hand. They were more gossamer than his own, swaying like feathers as they caressed his nails and fingertips.

Humming sadly, larger hands brushed away the rivulets painting the bluenette's cheeks before he had a chance to so much as acknowledge their presence. "Hush, little bird... Do not cry for me, I am beside you, just as I have always been." The only sound to meet his awaiting ears as he pulled the trembling form against his own was a quiet weep, the tortured sound serving to deepen his own remorse. "But you're not!" More choked sobs followed and the taller man held him tighter, gingerly stroking his nape and pressing his hand into the small of his back in hopes of making him feel more secure. It had been this way for weeks now. "You aren't here, you aren't real! You are nothing more than my imagination! But your warmth... Oh god, it feels so real. Why is it this way, Sebastian?" His queries, while fair, were not ones that his husband could answer. A professor he may be, but he didn't know the answer to everything, including the way to save his lover from the depression and turmoil that enveloped him whole, pulling him deeper and drowning him day after day. "I am here, my darling, and I am very much real - that much I promise you." Rather than addressing Ciel's concerns, the ones he failed to soothe, he expressed his own.

"My funeral was two months ago and still you cry yourself to sleep. Not a quirk of a smile has reached your lips since I passed; Your eyes are fading, my darling, but I don't know how to assure you that everything will be okay. Had life escaped you while clinging fast to me, I too would suffer the agony and disquiet that has befallen upon your mind in a constant haze of melancholy and darkness - it is not that I don't understand. I miss you every moment that we aren't together but..." He paused to pepper faint pecks across Ciel's head and cheeks, swaying in place to console his wounded angel. "I worry for your well-being constantly. How long has it been since you have eaten, since your porcelain skin has seen the sun? How long have you spent avoiding baths and lying in bed for hours on end? Even in the dreams in which I go unseen, I see you cry. You cry for me, you sob of how you can still feel my skin between your dainty fingers and my lips atop yours as if I am truly lying next to you in bed. How I wish it were true that I was visibly by your side, to hold and protect you as I once did. But there is not a single moment when I am not beside you. Though you cannot see nor feel me, I am guiding you through the storm you are trapped in the best I can through the veil that separates us."

His own eyes grew dewy in response to Ciel's whimper of his name. Indeed, he had been watching over him from the moment the light faded from his eyes. And with each passing day, he watched him grow a little sadder, a little less willing to eat or speak; All he did was sleep. Day and night, the widower clutched his abandoned pillow to his chest, saturating it with the flood that left his eyes every night like clockwork. All of their friends kept a close eye on Ciel whenever they could, and Sebastian didn't blame them for that. They don't want to lose someone else dear to them. But still his beautiful flesh bled in secret, scarlet rivulets painting the shine of scars and mixing with the tears seeping betwixt his fingers. Sebastian feared that they will meet again too soon. For while he craved nothing more than to truly hold him without having to say goodbye, there were people in his life that needed him and a life he had yet to fully live. He was still so young, they both had been. But his presence weakened further with the rise of the sun each day.

He watched his other half refuse the offerings of movie nights from his brother and sister-in-law, day trips with Soma and Agni, even the family dinners his parents invited him to. He wasn't sure that he had answered their calls at all since the day he first began to cloak himself in nothing but black. How shattered his heart was, and how damaged his soul - his life force trembling and crumbling to ashes with each heaving breath. Couldn't he see how ill he was making himself in both mind and body? While only in spirit, Sebastian tried every night to convince him that it will be okay, but still he falls closer to the grey. With every given night, his rest becomes more fitful and he slumbers longer throughout the day, wasting away as if he were the ruins of a once magnificent city.

Suddenly, Ciel spoke, dragging Sebastian from his morose recollections. He pulled away from their embrace just enough to meet the azul and lavender eyes of his husband, his cries having subsided enough for him to make fully formed words again regardless of the dampness still trickling languidly down his face. "I don't want to go outside. I don't want to eat or see anyone, I just... I don't want to be there anymore, Sebastian, not without you..." Shivering like a leaf in the unforgiving winds of a storm, Ciel curled his fingers into the fabric of Sebastian's maroon, tabby cat t-shirt as if trying to anchor himself, to keep himself from floating away into wakefulness. That shirt was always Sebastian's favourite... "I want to come home. I want to come back to you . Everything is meaningless on my own... You were always supposed to be there, until the very end. Why did it have to be you? If it could have just been me... Everything would have been okay."

Shaking his head, Sebastian brushed a kiss over Ciel's wavering lips, hand grazing over his left side. He was too thin, his ribs could easily be felt through his skin as well as his spine. He had always been light, but he had become significantly smaller than he'd been just a week before his passing. Slipping his hand beneath his shirt, he caressed the frail skin with feather light touches, almost as if he was afraid of breaking him if he pressed even the slightest bit upon the bones beneath his palm. "Not for me, Ciel. Had you been the one to... Well, I would have been broken. The sole difference from the situation now is that I would have been the one still in the world of the living. I never wanted to leave you alone though, you must know that."

Swallowing thickly as he leaned into the hand now combing through his hair, Ciel clutched onto the cotton betwixt his fingers more tightly. "I know that and I will never blame you - I never have to begin with..." Staring up at Sebastian pleadingly, as the sounds around him began to echo and then fade, he quickly pressed his lips to his husband's, eyes still fogged with tears as he shuddered violently in his hold. "Don't make me go, Sebastian. Please don't make me go back..."

Everything around him began to blur, the trees becoming a fog of green while the flowers dulled before his eyes, clouds bleeding into the sky and carmine eyes growing brighter. "I'm sorry, beloved. You have to go back, your brother is calling for you and you know that I hold no weight over your consciousness. You have to wake up. But first... Promise me something, Ciel."

With all light dimming, sepia tones taking over where rainbows of colours once bloomed. Ciel released a shaky breath, unwilling to loosen his grip on his sole companion in life, "What is it?"

"Promise me that you will live."

"I have never been good at keeping promises, you know that, Sebastian..." With a sniffle and a final whisper, the world, _his world_ , fell away, leaving him alone in a bed far too large and colder than ice, a weak scent on the pillow he hugged desperately to his chest and a picture frame on his bedside containing their wedding photo being the only signs that Sebastian ever laid beside him in this very bed. It wasn't home anymore. It never would be again.

A distant call of his name had him turning his cheek to meet the silhouette residing in the doorway, the grey light of day lighting his form from behind while the bedroom remained plunged in darkness. He was without a clue on what time it was. It could have been morning, evening, even sunset, but it was all the same to him now. Noon or midnight, he had no plans to leave the bed tonight. Daring to venture closer when Ciel dropped his head back into the suffocating mess of sheets and pillows, his brother sat on the edge of the mattress, a hand falling upon the narrow, quivering shoulder left within reach. His cheeks were wet, without a doubt residue from his sleep-created tears, but he made no sound nor movement to wipe away the dampness resting upon his cheeks and chin. He was silent, too silent for his twin's comfort. "Ciel, why don't you come out for a little while? You need to eat, you haven't had anything in days... You don't have to leave the house if you don't want to, but just come watch a movie with me? Lizzie isn't here, but I can call her and the others if you're at all up for it." He knew what his younger sibling's answer would be, but still he nudged him gently towards the light. However, the more he pushed, the more Ciel seemed to retreat and recede back into the darkness he'd become so very fond of. The younger of the two knew he should be polite - Thank his family and accept his offer regardless of how he felt, but he couldn't bring himself to move or even speak. He merely managed a shake of the head and a raspy apology. It was a wonder that he could speak at all. "I'm sorry..."

"It's okay, I know you need time. You don't have to apologize. But you have to move sometime or later. It isn't helping you any to stay locked away inside your mind, you need a distraction." No sourness or contempt highlighted his tone as he spoke, his words meant to persuade rather than to offend or command. Ciel, as drained as he was, shut his eyes. "But would you say that if you were in my position? If you lost Lizzie, what would you do?" He possessed no intention to hurt him, he simply wanted him to understand... "You've been here for three days, Celeste - go home. Lizzie misses you and I don't really feel up to anything."

"How do I know that you'll be here when I come back?"

Biting his bottom lip, Ciel murmured beneath his breath, "Because I will be." Though he finally spoke a few brief sentences, his words were hollow and worried his mirror image more. He swore to Sebastian that he would protect him, but even he couldn't save him from himself. That much he knew. All the same, he heeded his wishes, squeezing his arm gently before standing with a deepening frown. "Okay... I'll see you again tonight then, and I'll bring Lizzie with me too for extra company." Hesitating by the door, he shifted uncomfortably, a knot in his stomach and a pit in his throat making him uneasy. A sense of dread filled him but he ignored it in favour of his rational mind. Ciel would be here this evening, he had to be. "I love you, brother. You know that Sebastian did as well. He wouldn't want you to be unhappy." Before he had the chance to talk himself out of his decision, Celeste vanished from the flat, a heavy weight in his chest as he approached his car and it began to rain. He couldn't help but think that leaving was a terrible mistake.

'All it seems to do is rain now,' Ciel thought to himself as the pitter-patter of raindrops upon the windowsill grew louder. Gripping the cool glass of the picture frame from the nightstand, he pulled it to his face, drinking in every detail of photo. Next month would have marked their seventh year as a married couple. The summer moonlight reflected in the background of the image, painting the grass and roses with a pale blue. Beside the five tier cake stood his parents alongside Sebastian's own, smiles bright and gleaming eyes on the newlyweds. They were joined together in their first dance, his suit of navy contrasting against Sebastian's onyx one, arms twining elegantly around each other's shoulders and waists. Their foreheads were pressed together, eyes lidded and lips unmoving, but their expressions spoke all that could not be said within the frozen memory. Each looked as if they had never experienced a more perfect moment, gazes swimming with adoration and loyalty. He remembered the words of love spoken to him in that moment, of how stunning his beloved thought he looked and how wonderful his vows had been, of how he planned to devour him when their reception was over, and care for him long after the sun had risen. Sebastian's promises to hold and cherish him so long as they both may live and long after were just as vividly remembered as the day they were initially spoken. His own whispered oaths had followed soon after, pledges to forever remain beside his dark-haired lover, to comfort him on his worst of days and celebrate beside him on his best, to never hide his love nor deny him of an embrace. He could still feel himself blushing as Sebastian dipped and kissed him at the end of their dance, a cheeky grin painting his lips as he thoroughly teased his petite lover, his height working against him when he later attempted the same move.

Sebastian's lips roaming his chest and thighs that night were so much more than a fleeting memory, he could forever feel the slickness of his tongue and the gentleness of his hands, the rocking of his hips like the building waves in a storm at sea. The calls of his name echoed in that honeyed voice he possessed, rich and deep in the candlelit honeymoon suite they rented in Florence, sheets wrinkling and tangling around their legs as his new husband had pulled him atop his chest, laving tender kisses over his lips and jaw whilst he traced hearts and words of fondness across his chest and collarbones. Likewise, their stroll through the city was fresh in his mind, the sun warm and pleasant as they walked the streets of the city, exploring together, testing wines, and attempting to communicate with the locals in nearby cafes despite the obvious language barrier. It was so long ago, but it was a week he could never forget.

Ciel hugged the golden frame to his chest, tears falling anew. They combined with the sound of rain, the pitiful sounds falling from his lips unheard by his own ears as he hid beneath the sheets to escape the light, the thing reminding him that he was utterly alone. Reaching out blindly, his palm collided with the lamp on the bedside table, unintentionally knocking it to the ground with the loud shattering of porcelain and the thud of his phone hitting the floor alongside it. He brushed aside several more items before coming to rest on a notepad and pen, clutching them tightly until they were safely resting against the pillow. For five hours he laid awake, chest throbbing and pen shaking, letters crooked and sloppy unlike his usually precise and intricate penmanship. Images of his childhood and his first time meeting Sebastian flashed through his mind, allowing no reprieve in the endless slew of thoughts, keeping his face permanently as damp as the rain-streaked windows. With a handful of torn papers and the now inkless pen, he set them on the desk just within his reach, seizing the last remaining object from the wood surface when his arm returned to its place around the picture frame and pillow. A rattling could be heard from the item he struggled to keep a grasp on, the mass of white plastic blurring through his wet lashes as he attempted to open it. His fingers shook greatly as he worked to unscrew the lid, dropping it immediately after it was released from the bottle it sat upon. Chalky white pills slid from the bottle into the palm of his hand, staring innocently back at him. If they could heal the pain of others, then why not his pain as well?

He almost didn't taste the foul sourness as the first pill met his tongue, much less the ones following afterwards. He was too numb too feel the cool sheets brushing his arms as he curled into a tight ball, and too distracted to smell the scent of rain creeping in beneath the windows; All he could feel was a phantom touch against his cheek and a whisper too faint to understand; Whether it was his own words or someone else's, he was unsure. Pressing his lips to the joyous face of his husband in the glass frame, his vision began to be replaced by spots of black and an ombre of grey, ears buzzing and tears slowing their descent while images of decades passed filled his vision for a brief moment. His mother and father singing to him and his brother on their first birthday, Celeste helping him bake cookies for Alois and Lizzie when the pair first met them in class, Sebastian nervously smiling at him across the table on their first date, all of his friends congratulating him on his engagement... The memories faded as quickly as they had resurfaced, giving him a moment to remember the horrible burden he'd been forced to bare. But that didn't matter now, did it? All that mattered... Was _him_. Blinking drowsily, Ciel stared at the photo with a heavy sigh, sight leaving him in waves as he allowed his eyes to fall shut, to block out the flashing and fading of the world around him. The ghostly caress on his cheek grew more solid as he took a single, shuddering breath and whispered the one apology that he had been unable to write. "I'm so sorry, Sebastian... Please forgive me."

For the first time in months, Ciel awoke to real sunlight. The scent of blooming wildflowers was thick in the air, as was the smell of fresh strawberries growing beneath the partial shade of ancient willows. Aventurine shards of pliant grass brushed his bare legs softly, swaying with each tame gust of wind, the grey plaid, knee-length shorts he wore allowing him to feel each and every graze of nature alongside the short-sleeve shirt of sapphire hugging his arms and chest. Only fluffy clouds of white filled the cerulean skies above, promising him a happiness he'd been without for too long. His stare roamed the paradise he'd opened his eyes to, carefully studying every feature. The floral scents, the sound of water and wind and woodland creatures, the brightness and vivid colour making up every surface he came to meet, until finally, he found who he'd been looking for all along. Standing in front of him with a bittersweet smile and his arms outstretched in greeting, stood Sebastian. His cherry-mahogany orbs flaunted hints of sadness but also an overwhelming joy. No resentment nor anger graced his breathtaking features, the curl of his lips pulling Ciel in like a moth to a flame. How he had missed him... Without thought or word, he rushed into his husband's awaiting arms, only this time, no tears were shed. Familiar lips traveled from his forehead to his cheeks and then down again to the tip of his nose. Pecks were strewn across his jaw and chin, throat and shoulder, large hands gingerly stroking his shoulders and back. A laugh bubbled up in his throat when his beloved's hair tickled his neck, making Sebastian's grin grow. A smaller pair of hands rubbed over the biceps entrapping him in their hold before latching onto the back of his shirt, his mouth worshipping every visible inch of skin within his reach.

"I've missed you so much, my love. So fucking much," Ciel said, beaming at his other half with a twinkle in his eyes that Sebastian had been longing to see for what felt like a century. He never wanted to see another expression cross his little lover's delicate features aside from this radiance and the absolute rapture overtaking his small frame in the midst of their shared passions. He knew what he had done, but would say nothing of it. They were both happy and together again, and that was all that mattered now. Never again would they have to part or say goodbye, for this was their new life, their everlasting one. Without pain or suffering, they could live here forever, at peace in each other's arms just as it was always meant to be. "I missed you too, my dearest Ciel. But you are here now, and you will never have to leave again." With eyes filled to the brim with longing, Sebastian cupped Ciel's cheek and with a single brush, their lips met. They shifted unhurriedly against one another, making up for missed embraces and lost time all at once, affection overwhelming them both in the heat of the moment. Parting only briefly to lower his lover to the ground, Sebastian tugged Ciel onto his lap in one fluid movement. A promise was murmured just as their mouths and their souls collided once more, clothing forgotten in the plush grasses and dancing flowers surrounding them and mortal pain discarded as quickly as a stream rushes passed a riverbank, washed away by the shared heat of their undying love. "We have our eternity now."

**Author's Note:**

> Come give me prompts, ask me things, or say hello!
> 
> Tumblr: Griever-Bit-My-Finger


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